A twin massage is simply that—two attendants massaging you. Many times, if you choose the standard package with a lone attendant, she will ask whether or not you want a “twin.” Don’t think for one moment that she is into some kinky lesbian fantasy; she’s just doing that to help out a fellow attendant who is not getting any customers for the day. Also, it gives some level of comfort to the attendant—if the chemistry with the customer is bad, at least she has somebody else to talk to.

The routine is the same as a standard package, except that, of course, the massage will finish in half the time. Usually, one attendant works on the torso while another handles the legs. Also, if you want the “extra service,” be prepared to pay twice the fee. Again, any wild three-way action is unlikely though I have heard anecdotes that it does happen.

And no, I don’t mean French kissing. A lot of people ask what to talk about with a GRO in a KTV. I guess they are concerned about how to break the ice, or how to keep the conversation lively, or how to keep the GRO interested. Should they talk about work? Family life? Sex? Movies? What topics should be avoided? And what happens if the conversation becomes stale?

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You’ve probably seen it in newspaper classified ads sections. Or maybe in website searches. Or in a variety of adult-themed forums. It typically goes like this:

100% model, absolutely pretty, tall, young, class A ladies, mestiza, celebrity looks. Massage also. 24 hours. Call Rex at (917)-123-xxxx.

Are such claims to be trusted?

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In the hilarious comedy “This is Spinal Tap,” there is a diatribe between Marty DiBergi, played by Rob Reiner, and the band’s dimwitted lead guitarist Nigel Tufnel, played in deadpan fashion by Christopher Guest. They were discussing the merits of a particular amplifier, which Nigel insists is a superior because the amp settings go up to eleven.

“The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and…,” Nigel brags.

“Oh, I see,” was Marty’s reply, trying to look interested. “And most amps go up to ten?”

And Nigel reasons that the amp is much better. “You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You’re on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you’re on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?”

Marty shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“Nowhere!” he declares proudly. “What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?”

“Put it up to eleven?”

“Exactly. One louder.”

Marty stares quizzically. “Why don’t you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?”

When I go through many of the massage parlor threads in many Philippine adult-themed forums, a great number of conversations focus on FRs or “Field Reports.” These FRs are typically written in a tone similar to Penthouse Forum prose, almost always ending with a rating of the attendant on a scale of 1 to 10. I have found a great majority of these FRs totally useless because they focus their reviews on specific attendants. When I read people’s FRs and their attempts to rate an MPA (massage parlor attendant) on a scale of 1 to 10, I remember poor dimwitted Nigel and his attempt to define his own scale of loudness.

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I think some things have to be cleared about the act that’s cited as one of the motivating factors for the attempted closure of Boybastos.com.

First of all, it’s not Senate Bill 1375, contrary to what GMANews.tv reported. I checked the Philippine Senate website and it states that Senate Bill 1375 is “AN ACT CREATING THE PERSONS WITH DISABILITIES AFFAIRS OFFICE IN EVERY PROVINCE, CITY AND MUNICIPALITY, AMENDING SECTION 40 OF REPUBLIC ACT.”

It’s actually Senate Bill 1085, described as the Anti Obscenity Act of 2007, “AN ACT PROHIBITING THE DEMONSTRATION, PERFORMANCE OR EXHIBITION IN PUBLIC CERTAIN SEXUAL ACTS, AND THE PRODUCTION, IMPORTATION, SALE OR DISTRIBUTION, OR PUBLIC SHOWING OR DISPLAY OF PORNOGRAPHIC MATERIALS, PROVIDING PENALTIES THEREFOR, AND FOR OTHER PURPOSES.” You can download the bill here. And yes, Senator Legarda authored the bill.

The bill considers it “unlawful for any person to perform, exhibit, or demonstrate in public, before an audience, or in the presence of another person who is not a participant therein, any of the following sexual acts”

• Coitus
• Buggery
• Sodomy
• Bestiality
• Pederastia
• Algolagnia
• Sadism or Active Algolagnia
• Masochism or Passive Algolagnia
• Necrophilism
• Fellatio or Irrumation
• Cunnilingus
• Anilingus
• Urolagnia
• Coprophilia
• Masturbation

By the way, if you think this is a complete list, visit this extensive list of paraphilia.

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According to the news, Senator Loren Legarda has been on the assault against pornography. Her target: an Internet site called Boy Bastos.

According to GMANews.TV:

Legarda urged the Inter-Agency Council Against Trafficking (Iacat) and the National Bureau of Investigation to shut down the site, which she called “the premier bastos portal of the Philippines.”

Legarda asked the NBI to look into the possibility of cyber-sex operators behind the website to “lure potential customers that can be directed to linked paid services.”

She said administrators of the website “have evidently also been investing large sums, entering paid porn sites abroad, downloading for a fee some of the materials, and then posting them on boybastos.com for all to see.”

Worse, she said the porn site encourages visitors to freely contribute their own videos, including so-called sex scandal videos.

The funny thing is that, in terms of raunchiness, the site is quite tame. So, what’s wrong with the site? The site defends itself, saying that it does not dabble in human trafficking or child prostitution. It does not deal with murder, nor does it sell illegal drugs. It says that it deals with something that is inherently natural in all human beings. One can easily argue that the female body is aesthetically pleasing to the eye and that erotica is an established art form. One man’s art form can be another’s obscenity.

Hence, if one finds something offensive on the Web, one can always resort to that close button at the upper left hand corner of one’s browser — which can be very useful if one finds a site distasteful.

One of the most frequent questions I receive is this: Where the &$@%)@ is Phoenix Gentlemen’s Club (aka Phoenix One massage parlor)?

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